Shalanda Thompson's Around the River Bend: Love Behind Bars

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Jason: Hey friends, welcome to You Matter Nashville. I'm Jason Hoover, along with my beautiful wife Mindy, and we're grateful that you have taken time to join us today. Today's guest is Shalanda Thompson, who is an author of a brand new book called Around the River Bend, a memoir of love while locked up. This book is about loving someone through the last years of a prison sentence. Shalanda, welcome to the show.

Shalanda: Thank you, Jason and Mindy, for meeting with me today.

Jason: Absolutely. And as always, before we dive in to your story and talk about the book, I always like to let our audience know a little bit about who we have on the show. And so your bio reads, it says here that Shalanda Thompson is a Middle Tennessee author, and her book, Around the River Bend, a memoir of love while locked up, comes out this October the twenty-fourth.

Jason: And it's a true story of reconnecting with a childhood friend who was serving 25 years to life at Riverbend Maximum Security Institution, which is right here in Nashville. It began with a sympathy card after his father passed away, and it grew into a relationship that carried them through the last seven years of his sentence. He came home on parole in 2019, and today he is her husband.

Jason: It says here that her family and friends told her for years to write this book, and she held off because she was afraid of being judged. She wrote it anyway. She wrote it for the friends and the family who have someone behind bars and feel like they just can't talk about it. Shalanda, again, thank you for joining us on the show today.

Shalanda: Thank you, thank you.

Mindy: Well, Shalanda, before we really get into the book, I would love to hear your childhood story with your husband, because obviously you guys had a good relationship when you were younger. So I'd like to see how that all started before we get into the book.

Shalanda: Yeah. So Edward, my husband's name is Edward. He and his family were really close to my grandmother, and I was really, really very close to my grandmother as well. So that's how we met. I was eleven, twelve. And some of the earliest memories that I have are of him chasing me around her yard with June bugs, or chasing me with a Wiffle ball bat, he and his cousins. We were just, you know, we were childhood friends. And so our relationship started that way. We became close. As we got older, we just kind of went our separate ways. And then, after he was sentenced to prison, he stayed in touch with my grandmother. And so we would write letters back and forth to one another over the years, but still, you know, kind of keeping a distance. And then here we are.

Jason: So y'all grew up together. Was that here in the Nashville area? Okay. So you're original. One of the originals from here.

Mindy: Unicorns, we've got.

Shalanda: Yes, one of the few left.

Jason: So you've seen a lot happen over the years. So you guys growing up, was there ever that kind of connection between the two of you? Kind of share with us what happened once you started getting into adulthood.

Shalanda: So he went to prison, it was '93, '94, somewhere around there. So, you know, I had my relationships then, and we would write letters here and there. We would lose touch for a year or two and then somehow come back together. Until, you know, 2012, his father passed away, and I looked him up and found that he was right here in Nashville, because he had traveled to different prisons. So he was right here in Nashville. I sent him a card. It was just a card. I wasn't looking for anything more than that. It was just me reconnecting with an old friend and, you know, just showing my condolences.

Jason: Right. And had you stayed in contact up until that point, or was that just something out of the blue?

Shalanda: Yeah, so we would write one another here and there, every other little moon or so. It was never a consistent communication type thing. If he talked to my grandmother and I would go visit, then she would tell me that he said hello. So yeah, it was sporadic.

Jason: Okay. And no spark between the two of you as childhood friends, huh?

Shalanda: Well, I had a crush on him. And I found out later on that he also had a crush on me, but I had absolutely no clue. But you know, he was the neighborhood bad boy and off limits, and so I just...

Mindy: There we go. Grandma said no. Grandma was saying no, he's off limits.

Shalanda: No, everyone said no.

Mindy: That didn't stop you though, did it, in the long run?

Shalanda: It did back then, but after I became an adult, no.

Mindy: So for people who have never had a loved one that's been locked up in prison or in jail, tell us about what communication looks like. What is it like for the families? How often are they able to visit? How often are they able to communicate, write letters, talk on the phone, all of that? Because I think a lot of people just really don't know what it's like.

Shalanda: Mm-hmm. Yeah, so when I started visiting Edward, the visitations were on the weekends. So you could go Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. If you didn't go the weekend, they opened it up to where people could come on Monday nights. And in the beginning the visitations were, I think, like two and a half, three hours long. But eventually they expanded it, and it was like all day Saturday and Sunday, and then they still had it Monday night for a few hours. So it was just going to those visitations on the weekend, and phone calls. He would call me every day at lunchtime, when I took my lunch, and then we'd talk a couple of times at night before, I think it was eight thirty, before they had to go into lockdown for the night.

Shalanda: So the communication piece, it was hard, because I couldn't just pick up the phone and call him. I couldn't just go see him whenever I wanted to. I couldn't see him for as long as I wanted to, because the prison controlled all of that. So there were quite a few obstacles that I myself had to overcome as far as the communication piece goes.

Jason: So, you know, sharing that, I want to jump into the book, because the book comes from your viewpoint, from the family and friends' viewpoint of a loved one that is incarcerated. And I love that angle, because you don't hear that angle very often. And regardless of what the inmate did or didn't do, there is a negative stigma that comes with it, unfortunately, to those that are connected with them. Can you speak a little bit to that? And you kind of share that in your book too.

Shalanda: Mm-hmm. Yeah, so I think a lot of times when there are discussions about incarceration, the family and friends who are loving and supporting that incarcerated person, we a lot of times are looked at or seen as background characters. There's not a lot of discussion on how it affects us as someone supporting this person who is in prison. I think there's some judgment, because people feel like, okay, if you're married to this person in prison and he's done this horrible thing, then you've got to be a horrible person yourself, without actually realizing that yes, he may have committed a crime, or he did commit a crime, and he's serving his time, but that still doesn't take away his humanity. It doesn't take away who he was before going into prison. And so I would really hope that after reading this book, people would kind of have an open mind. Not necessarily agreeing with the choices or decisions that I made, but just have an open mind to try to understand why I made those decisions.

Jason: Yeah, no doubt. Because we don't know until we're in those shoes. It's a whole different paradigm. Go ahead.

Shalanda: Yeah.

Mindy: I was just going to say, just from people that I know who have gone through situations like this, there's just a lot of shame that is carried by the families and the loved ones. Confusion. Do I stay with them? Do I get a divorce? Do I do tough love and cut them off? There are a lot of decisions that have to be made that are different for everyone, and it depends on what the person has done, or what they've done to the family or the relationships. There are a lot of things that go into it. But I think a lot of people just go, why? Why are you continuing this relationship?

Shalanda: And again, when I sent the sympathy card, my intention was never to begin or start a relationship with someone who was serving a life sentence in prison. That was the last thing. I was just reaching out to a friend, and it turned into this. But I was going to say, going back to the judgment, for myself, because I knew people who would be judgmental, or who would question why I was doing what I was doing, I hid this from a lot of people. There were just very few people that knew that he and I were together. And there are a lot of people in my family that know him from when we were children. So to protect myself and to protect my sanity, I didn't talk about it, or I didn't share it with a lot of people.

Jason: So you're living a double life, in a sense.

Shalanda: Yes, yes, absolutely. Absolutely.

Jason: Secret Agent Shalanda.

Shalanda: And that was me.

Mindy: What prison should be is a place of rehabilitation and a place for change. And I know Jason and I both feel very strongly that our prison system needs to be more reflective of trying to create change in people. Tell us about what you saw, because you kind of came in halfway through the sentence, I guess you could say, during his time there. What changes did you see in him that helped develop that relationship?

Shalanda: So during our earlier visits, I just asked, okay, what happened? Because I was starting to have feelings for him and to fall in love with him, but before I just went all in, I had to know what happened. And so just listening to him talk about the situation, and him expressing his remorse, not only for the victim's family but his own family, I could see and feel that he actually took the necessary steps to rehabilitate himself. I mean, he came home with a ton of certificates. Every single class that he could possibly get into, he voluntarily went into it. He was a barber on, I think it's the maximum security side of Riverbend. And there were a lot of officers at the prison who respected him, and he respected them. And they spoke very highly of him, because he was one of those guys that would go into, I don't want to say a volatile situation, but he was able to talk to some of the guys in there to kind of smooth things out, or to calm people down, or kind of help them just think about what they're doing before they did anything or got into any kind of trouble. So just listening to that, and him being candid and honest about everything, that just made it easier for me to say, okay, this is what I want.

Jason: And she said, I want that.

Mindy: Ha ha ha.

Shalanda: Yes. Well, the other thing was, he sent two dozen roses to my office one day, and no one had ever sent flowers to my office. That just melted me. And I remember the receptionist, she asked me, she's like, is that from your boyfriend? And I'm like, mm, not yet, but he will be.

Mindy: So hold on a second. So he was able to send flowers?

Shalanda: Yes. So he had a cousin. He had his cousin go get two dozen roses. They were red and yellow roses, and they were delivered to my office just unexpectedly.

Jason: That is sweet. I was in trouble, the way she was posing that question.

Shalanda: I'm so sorry.

Jason: Real quick, I'm curious about the title of the book, Around the River Bend. Share about that with us. How'd you come up with it, or what does that mean to you?

Shalanda: So Around the River Bend, of course, is a play on Riverbend Maximum Security prison. When I was brainstorming on titles for the book, he and I were talking, and we just looked at each other, and I'm like, Around the River Bend, because our relationship began around Riverbend. So that's kind of how that was born.

Jason: Very clever. So was it 2012 that his father passed away and you sent the card? Okay. Now fast forward to 2019, and that's when he was released. And by this time you were... wait, I skipped the whole engagement. Wait a minute. Share the engagement with us first.

Shalanda: So I started visiting him in 2012. By 2013, I went to a visit, and we were just having a normal visit, we were chatting, but he seemed really, really nervous. And when he gets nervous, he sweats. A lot. And he's bald. So now he's got this sweat just pouring off his head, and I'm like, what is wrong with you? And his sister shows up, and they walked away together, left me sitting there, and they were at the vending machines chatting, and my antenna is up, and I'm like, I don't know what's going on, but there's something going on.

Shalanda: So he came back and sat there, and before I knew it, he stood up, got down on one knee in front of the entire visitation gallery. He had a whole speech memorized. I cried so much, I could not see, everything was blurry. I couldn't see two feet in front of me. So once he proposed and I said yes, he stood up, and I looked around, and the entire VG was looking at us, and people were clapping and cheering, and I think I probably cried for the next hour after that.

Mindy: So does anything change in the prison world if two people are engaged? Are you able to have more communication? Or is it really not until you get married that things change? Or does it even matter?

Shalanda: So I don't think that it matters at all. I do know that they do allow you to get married in prison, but that doesn't change your visitations or phone calls or anything like that. He was very adamant about us not getting married in prison. He wanted us to have a wedding.

Mindy: He's like, that's not romantic enough for us. I get that. Good for him.

Shalanda: So yeah, not that I'm aware of. There's no special privileges or anything for married couples. At least not in Tennessee.

Jason: All right, so now to 2019, he gets out. That had to be a life-changing moment for both of you. What was that like?

Shalanda: It was, yes. That was another very emotional day for everybody. In preparation, I wrote everyone's letters. I wrote all of our friends' and family's letters. I wrote letters for the officers. All they had to do was sign. So in the end, I think I wrote over 30 letters, and they were all different. So I drove around to all of our family and friends and had them sign the letters. Once I had all those, I sent them all to him, because he had to put it together for the parole board. I made copies of all of his certificates and everything, because he sent all of those to me, so I had to send those back to him. And I just kept telling him, you're coming home. This year, you are coming home. And he was excited about it too, but he was also cautious, because he would tell me, well, you know, this is my first time going up for parole. I don't want you to get your hopes up. I don't want you to be hurt if it doesn't happen. I've seen this happen to this person. He had a friend that had just gone up for parole, not long before his parole date, and they turned him away. They put him off for a few years or something.

Shalanda: And I'm like, I don't care what happened to anyone else. I don't care what has never happened. I don't care. You are coming home this year. And so at the parole hearing, we all spoke, everybody cried, and he was recommended for parole.

Mindy: The system worked, right? He went in, he did the classes, he showed who he really is, and got out. So you guys were together seven years. He got out, and now it's been another seven years.

Shalanda: Yes. And we will be married seven years next month, on October tenth.

Mindy: Well, congratulations.

Shalanda: Thank you. Thank you.

Mindy: So how does he feel about all of this, with the book and you spilling all the beans about him and all that stuff? How does he feel about you coming out with this book?

Shalanda: Yeah, so he's excited. He's one of the people that actually encouraged me to write it. A couple of years ago he got hurt at work, and so he was out on workers' comp, and I had to quit my job and stay home and take care of him and everything. And I just woke up one day, and I'm like, all right, here it goes. I'm just going to write the book. And I started writing, and then I stopped. And it sat there for, I don't know, maybe six months or so before I picked it up again and finally finished it. And after I finished it, I let him read it. And he laughed, and he said, you know, this is our story. I know the story, but I can't stop reading it. He's like, no, this is crazy. And even then I was hesitant. I'm like, okay, I've written it, but do I really want to put this out there? Do I really want everyone to read this? Even the people that I hid this from, they're going to know now.

Mindy: Right. It's all written down. But what was the hardest part of your story to write about?

Shalanda: Gosh. Well, the hardest part was just the waiting. The separation happening over and over again. And by that I mean, every week I'm going to visitation, I'm spending time with this man, and then I have to leave him there and then go home. And it just kept happening over and over again. And we didn't have a parole date. We didn't know when that was going to happen. And so just reliving that and writing it, there were a few tears, because I'm recalling all this information, and then all those old feelings came up again. So I would say that was the hardest part.

Mindy: And I think the family members who read this book, who have gone through this, will be able to connect with that a lot. For a mother, or a girlfriend, or a wife or husband, whatever the situation is. I can't imagine having to leave them there, in a place that's not full of joy and happiness. It's hard. I mean, it's called prison for a reason.

Shalanda: Yeah. Yeah.

Jason: So give us the overview of the book. What can people expect when they read it?

Shalanda: So I was very candid about my experiences in the book. I was very intentional on what I included and what I did not include. But what I would like people to read this and take away is that there's always another story. There are three parts to any incarceration story. And my book talks about my experiences. It talks about the experience from the perspective of someone loving someone who is incarcerated. I wanted to share it because I know that I was not the only one who felt like I was just kind of living in the shadows, or living this double life, out of fear of judgment. And so I just hope that people become more comfortable sharing their stories and their experiences, and that those who have not gone through it are not as judgmental.

Jason: You're so right to say that there are three sides. And that's the way we need to approach every instance. I think that's what causes so many disagreements in life, is that we only choose to view something from what benefits our paradigm. There's something that's truly called confirmation bias, which plays right into this. You're always going to find what you look for. You were always raised being told that that's what this is. And so I love that you're sharing that, hey, there's this other side, this other viewpoint that is not talked about. And it is impacting a great deal of people, and people that didn't commit a crime. They're just the ones that are around. And so that's really who this book is written to. What are your plans? You've got the book coming out October twenty-fourth of this year. Is this sort of a launching platform for you to do bigger things? Anything in the works that you can share with us at the moment?

Shalanda: Yeah, so I do have a book launch the same day, October twenty-fourth. But I'm also planning a book tour, beginning here in Tennessee, and hopefully it will expand to other parts of the country. I would also like to just start making appearances, to open the discussion about the people who have family members and loved ones incarcerated. Maybe even starting a support group.

Mindy: Absolutely.

Jason: That's what I was wondering. Are there groups out there?

Shalanda: I don't know of any. But if I could get into something like that, I think that would be something amazing for families.

Jason: Yeah, especially for people that don't know. It's not every day that somebody understands how the legal system works, or visitations. That's a scary thing to do without any help.

Mindy: And it's more common than we think. I was reading through notes that one in ten children have a parent that's in prison. That's the average. That's insane. That's ten percent of families. And so it's desperately needed to have support for children and for parents and loved ones to be able to navigate. Because there's a loss there. There's confusion, there's frustration, there are a lot of emotions that go into it when somebody goes absent.

Shalanda: You know?

Jason: And that whole family, if it's a father in a family, and you take that, like you're saying, the kids and everybody, now there's one less income. It may have been the only income. We don't know.

Mindy: A lot at play. A lot at play. We have Big Brothers Big Sisters, we have all these really great programs to help facilitate. But I really don't know of anything that is specific to helping the emotional needs of the people that are going through that. So I think you may have hit something that really needs to be done.

Shalanda: I think it would be very beneficial. Because I know with what I went through, for the seven years that I was with him, there was a lot of loneliness. I even felt depressed sometimes, because I'm like, okay, I'm committed, I want to be with him, but the emotional toll that took on me. Like I said, having to leave him there every week. Not being able to just pick up the phone if something exciting happened to me during the day and share that with him. Not being able to come home to him every day. And just being out in public, and you see other couples, and they're going out to dinner, and you're at family functions, and you're not able to do that. So I think some sort of support group for families would be very, very beneficial.

Mindy: Agreed.

Jason: Yeah, I agree with that. I love hearing about the different programs, the different things that are trying to help equip inmates, not only to grow and learn, to be better citizens, which is what it should be. But then you've got the programs who are trying to help them when they come out, because just letting them out the door, I can't even remember the percentages, they go right back to it. So I love that there are people starting to see, okay, there are big gaps here in helping people reform. We all have things in our closets, and you could go to jail. It could be something that you didn't mean to. You said he had all these certifications. Is he, or are you, planning on doing anything like giving back, as far as going back and sharing, any thoughts to that, like prison ministries in a way?

Shalanda: Yeah, so I have reached out to Project Return. He went to Project Return for a little bit right after he came home, but I've reached out to them. I have also reached out to Men of Valor, and I think it's the Tennessee Prison Ministry, as well as the Dismas House. The Dismas House sent me a calendar. They have some sort of dinner at night during the week that I wanted to try to go volunteer with, but it's during my work hours, so I've got to try to figure that out. But yeah, I would like to get more involved with some of those organizations.

Jason: Yeah, we loved Dismas House. We had them on a while back.

Mindy: Yes, they are doing some amazing things in the Nashville area. And for those who haven't listened to that episode, you should, because that is a great ministry as well, that puts a spotlight on men getting out of the system and equipping them for the workplace and life.

Shalanda: Mm-hmm.

Jason: Well, Shalanda, this has been amazing, to hear from your perspective, your viewpoint. And I know we hardly scratched the surface of it. I don't have the book in front of me, because that's coming out later, but from my understanding, in speaking with you earlier, there's a lot more to it. Like you said, you intentionally put in what you wanted in it, and you intentionally left out what you didn't want in it. So I appreciate you coming on here. Now, as we get closer and closer to the book launch, how can people find out more about it? How can they get notified? Please go ahead and share.

Shalanda: Yeah, so I am on Facebook, TikTok, and Instagram, all under Around the River Bend. There's a link in my bio on all three social media sites where you can go in and register for the launch party, which is also going to be October twenty-fourth, so the same day that the book is actually going to be released. There's going to be refreshments, music, a Q and A. I'll also be doing a book signing there as well. It's going to be at the Ford Ice Center in Antioch, Tennessee, from one to three, and doors open at twelve thirty.

Mindy: Excellent.

Jason: Awesome. I love it. All right, well, thank you so much. I appreciate you joining us, and I'm interested to see where this is going to take you. Will you keep in touch and let us know where all this takes you? And if there's anybody out there that has similar situations, maybe not yourself, maybe a friend or family, this may be something that would be very good to get them, and share it with them. Because I can see, I'm not speaking from experience, but I can definitely see how lonely that would be, especially if you're trying to keep it away from other people knowing.

Shalanda: Yeah. Yeah. It was hard, but I made it.

Jason: Yeah. All right. Well, thank you so much.

Shalanda: Thank you guys so much. I really appreciate both of you. Thank you.

Mindy: Thank you.

Jason: Thank you. All right, friends, if this conversation stirred anything in you, we encourage you to sign up, or if you're already watching or listening to this after October twenty-fourth, we encourage you to go pick up the book, Around the River Bend. And if it's not for you, maybe it's a great gift for somebody that may be going through this as well. Also check out her social profiles. We'll have some links on that as well, where you can sign up for the launch party, which will be at the Ford Ice Center in Antioch, and it will be on October 24th as well. But thank you all for listening and taking time out of your day, and always just please remember that you matter.

Mindy: Thank you for joining us on this episode of You Matter Nashville. We hope you found inspiration on this episode and are reminded that no matter where you are or what you do, you matter.

Jason: If you enjoyed this episode, please be sure to subscribe, leave us a review, and even share it with your friends and family. Also, stay connected with us on social media, and tune in next time for more incredible stories from the heart of our community.

Mindy: Until then, remember, your story matters, your voice matters, and most of all, you matter.